Painting by Ivan Kramskoi (1872)

Lonliness and Christ in the Desert

Flashing lights, careless smiles, dancing, and alcohol flowing through everyone’s blood. It is a typical house party in every way but one, I don’t know a single soul here. I smile at their vacant faces just the same. What does it matter if I know these people or not? Even though they know my name they know me not. The music invading the only place I am able to think and I know full well that if I drain this bottle the cursed cycle starts over again. Hook up with whichever drunk girl is craving attention from a man and is stupid enough to look to me. The script goes that I awaken in the middle of the night in her bed feeling even more alone and deplorable than I did the second before the spiral had rounded its first curve. It was the same split second of the human will folding under the slightest bit of pressure for the chemicals that only numb and distract me from my sorry existence. Easy Oxytocin, cheap dopamine. I can’t keep living like this, but I don’t know how to stop.

I put the bottle down and stood up. 

I went over towards the kitchen and said, “hey” To the brunette girl who I actually desperately wanted to ask out on a date. The small talk begins and right when my spark turned on…when I felt I was connecting to another human, her friend came up; I was slowly shut out of the conversation. If an alien walked in but they could only sense life, I would not have been registered. Being ignored and treated with indifference is a 5 by 10 inch hellscape. Darkness varies in its qualities. One moment it can be oppressive and harsh, and another it is cool, indifferent like a shadow. Icy, but in terms of a glare, not physically cold, but emotionally detached. It feels like you are the only one in black and white and everyone else appears to be in vibrant color. For a long time I allowed envy to exist in the backdrop, as an inevitable result of the feelings of isolation. The envy never helped and actually only made me more miserable. But it was such a sinister amount that it went undetected and unconfessed.

I went to try again and my uncoordinated attempt ended the same way. Feeling unwanted and worthless. I was talking to them, trying the get their attention but they wouldn’t turn to look at me. What’s wrong with me? Is my ego just too fragile, or am I just hurting from the pain? Probably a mixture of both. This happened on the car ride over here too.

After sulking for a minute in these feelings and questions I stood up and began to walk past the vaping, vapid girls who I’ll say I’m no better than, and to the wooden staircase. To this day I don’t know why but it called to me, he called to me again despite it all. It creaked under the weight of my first few steps but the music covered it up. I ascended to where it turns and goes up into the next flight. It was there where the music faded. I continued till I was on the third story, and walked all the way down the hall to a door. There was nothing special about it but I had to come and see. Outside the door was a small welcome mat. That’s all it said. “Welcome Home”. It went past childlike curiosity and it was more that I hoped to find something behind that door, but in reality what I wanted was something I could only find within. I opened it slowly and grasped for a lightswitch. I couldn’t find any so I made my way around with my phone flashlight. The carpet was soft and thick. This couldn’t be a bedroom. I made my way over to the opposite wall where I saw the silhouette of a frame the size of a large tv. I shined my light upon what at first looked like a depressed man sitting on some rocks. I got closer and the emotions started to well up within. Christ in the Desert flashed in my soul like lightning. No one has been more despised or ignored than he. Suddenly I was known. Everything about it screamed out nothing. It is empty of screams. The only picture of Humility greater than this is the Crucifixion, then there’s the Incarnation, then there’s every single thing he did. And he was God in the flesh. I was met in my loneliness not by rainbows and sunshine, but by the One who knows sorrow. My heart was pierced and simultaneously healed from the contempt that could have very well taken hold of me. I didn’t need to blame others, or myself. I simply stood in awe of Jesus. I thought about all the times he talks to me and I ignore his still, small voice, and oh how we all do that. Yet, Christ does not have an ounce of contempt in his heart, only love and light. 

I was looking at a work of art that points to the life of Christ as a human who had human struggles. At times I hear only about the lofty God from the Church. But what we need is what God gave us. Emmanuel. This is the only reason a Christian can claim that God actually cares about humanity is because of this humble condescension as a helpless infant who grew up as the greatest man to walk the earth yet so many don’t see the monumental greatness because their senses are tuned to the wrong frequency. If they turned down their dial lower and lower then they would see at once the beauty and necessity of quiet humility.

P.S Read Fear and Trembling by Soren Kierkegaard and then immediately follow that up with The Sickness Unto Death. You will not be disappointed.